As a parent, you are likely trying every possible method to raise your children. They still surprise you with actions you find unacceptable.
They might kick another child or use mean words towards adults. Or scream at the shop because they didn’t get the cookie they want. Your children may know this is unacceptable behavior, but they continue to repeat it. Now you are wondering where you went wrong.
It’s good to know you are not the only one. Many parents face the same issues. The founder of Positive-Parents.org, Rebecca Eanes, made a study with over nine thousand parents who described different intolerable behaviors their children manifested.
Here are three problems parents often face: backtalk, aggression and tantrums.
How to handle your child’s aggression
It is likely that you feel awful when your child hurts someone. Often, your first instinct is to use verbal or nonverbal violence to address the problem. Traditional discipline dictates that children who hit others should be punished. This isn’t the best option, as the child will soon learn that anger can be normal.
This will encourage the child to fight or flight, which means that he/she cannot examine their behavior and the consequences. The child can’t learn from the past and make improvements.
Instead of punishing your child, what should you do?
With empathy, listen carefully. Ask your child to explain why he/she kicked another child. Explain to your child that you are sorry for the behavior, but that it is not acceptable. Next, you can discuss non-violent ways to express and handle these emotions.
Set firm limits. If your child displays aggressive behavior again, tell him/her what consequences they must face. Make sure you are clear and specific. Follow through with your actions. Your actions should be a proof of your words. You can’t tell your child that you will punish them, but then just do nothing or ignore the problem.
This will show your child that rules are not threats but opportunities to learn. Your child will be more likely to manipulate you if there is inconsistency.
How to effectively manage tantrums
Tantrums should not be used to manipulate others. Tantrums are not a way to manipulate others. Children often deal with overwhelming emotions that they can’t understand or express. Temper tantrums are a way for children to deal with difficult emotions. However, your children will quickly learn how to control you, as parents, by using this behavior every time they throw a tantrum.
This should not happen. First, understand that tantrums can be involuntary and therefore inevitable. The prefrontal cortex of children’s brains, which is responsible for controlling emotions and social behavior, has not been fully developed. You cannot avoid tantrums. However, you can learn and use effective management techniques that will vary from one child to the next.
To manage tantrums, you can either ignore them or empathize with them. Then, calm down your child and try to work through their feelings. You should decide which one is best for your child. Different children have different tantrum patterns, so it is important to be able to approach each one with the right attitude.
Backtalk
What should you do if your child uses negative backtalk?
You should first try to distinguish between a complaint and problematic backtalk. Your child should learn to talk about their conflicts with respect and not behind your back. By doing this, your child will learn that not all options are available to you. Listen respectfully to your child when he/she has a problem. You should not try to silence your child in order to avoid conflict or show authority.
Set clear boundaries
When your child wants to talk about unfair things, show him/her how to use calm language and a respectful tone. Explain to your child that even though you are listening carefully, you may not be able to get what he/she wants. If these rules are broken, you can end the conversation by telling him/her that you’re not willing to talk about these issues since he/she uses unconsiderate language.
Each child is unique, so don’t be discouraged if you make mistakes. There are no perfect parents, so try your best.